What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. Hlp! Thr's nvwls!!! Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. Good, bad, *I'm* the guy with the gun! We don't take no crap from a machine. Change your mind, it's starting to smell. Cannibalism is a small price to pay for popularity. My father was a good woman! DON'T call me dude, dude. I'm not as think as you stoned I am. Yield to oncoming traffic. If you are what you eat, I could be you by morning. For further information, consult your pineal gland. Lions: 5, Christians: 0.5 Today is an excellent day to become a missing person. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Dating processes are dependent on the analysis of rocks. Convictions cause convicts. Believe nothing, dare all. No matter how good it is, there's always better. No matter how bad it is, there's always worse. It is better to have loved and lost than to have just lost. Strike any user to continue. LSD melts inyour mind, not in your hands. Question reality. (Weather's here, wish you were beautiful. A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. Vegetables are murder. Sarcasm is a sign of genius. Ack!!A small mind is a tidy mind. Don't force it, use a bigger hammer. You live and learn. Or you don't live long. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong. If opportunity knocks, go to bed with your pants on. Dare to be stupid. If you do that you have a chance of dying Never give an inch! People will buy anything that's one to a customer. Some men are discovered; others are found out. You can't be late until you show up. Maximum capacity eight persons. You have been selected for a secret mission. You took my breath away and now I want it back. Always store beer in a dark place. There is no time like the pleasant.(And I alone am returned to wag the tail. Above all things, revere yourself.Please go away. That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. 'Tis an ill wind that blows no minds. Let's all get together and throw flingbobs Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them. Small change can often be found under seat cushions. Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate. I came, I saw, she onquered. Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion. Express yourself through supreme ovinity. Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! If this is paradise, I wish I had a lawnmower. Use only as directed. See side panel for exciting recipe ideas. Use no hooks.This side up. I haven't lost my mind; it's back up on tape somewhere. Everything you know is wrong! Be excellent to each other Bored people are boring people. I will never lie to you.It's all in the mind, ya know.Mmm. I forgot about that. A good memory does not equal pale ink. Fine, DON'T have a nice day, see if I care. Sure I believe in peace. Peace through superior firepower. I prefer to think of them as the Ten Suggestions. I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.Don't panic. Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. I believe that everyone is entitled to my opinion. A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. All men are created unequal. Rose tint my world and keep me safe from the trouble and pain... Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you. Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.How untasteful can you get? I'm sorry, did I assassinate your penguin?That's what she said. As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. The universe is laughing behind your back. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. Eek!.All that glitters has a high refractive index. Moderation is for monks. The meek will inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. Anybody who cannot comprehend mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wash, cook food, and not make messes on the floor. The world owes all its onward impulses to men ill at ease. The happy man confines himself within ancient limits. Wonders never cease, as long as you never cease to wonder. Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.Art is dangerous The important thing is not to stop questioning. Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. We come in peace... shoot to kill....I've seen the future and I leave it all behind The early worm gets the bird. Your ignorance cramps my conversation. Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes. Everybody ought to have a friend. Ignorance can be cured -- but stupid is forever. The future ain't what it used to be. The following statement is not true: (No matter where you go... there you are.He who laughs, lasts.I know your secret. Cut the conversation, just open your mouth Chill out... everything's under control... Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. Everybody is equal here. It's just some people are more equal than others. The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous. You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.Quack! What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. It's later than you think. If it's comprehensible, it's obsolete. Darwin's Law of Carcinogens: Cancer cures smoking. It's a PC, it's got an excuse. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. The world is coming to an end. Please log off. People humiliating a salami! You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on. Drive defensively; buy a tank. The best teddy bears are the live kind. Spacetime isn't curved, it's positively bent.Never try to outstubborn a cat. Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.. I admit that I am powerless over fish innards. We don't morally censure you. We just want the money.Don't have a cow, man.SLACK: Get it while you can. I'm the one from the registry office.Mars needs women. I'll be back.Specialization is for insects. There's someone in my head, but it's not me This is my steakhouse. Watch me as I swing my hips... around. What poor gods we do make. I live like this 'cuz I like it; I've seen too much to pretend I know the road, I know where it goes; that's why I'm going so slow... I just walk right through the door... My moral standing is lying down.I hate myself to sleep at night Don't eat yellow snow. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. Happiness is mandatory. Are you happy? I am feeling so grey today... If you're so special, why aren't you dead? The wind is loud and sometimes pungent. The wind is plowed and sometimes sturgeon.Vacuum packed for freshness.Oh, no, not again. Never eat more than you can lift. People are blinkyThis town needs an enema.Virginity can be cured. Wake up, the whole world's gone... My favorite weapon is the look in your eyes.Delicious and nutritious, tastes like chicken!?And where you are ain't no good unless you can get away from it.If she doesn't scare ya, no evil thing will...I... I believe in love I've come a long way since I've believed in anything Ding a ding-dang my dang-a-long ling-long Don't give up, push a pawn?No man is an island, but then no man is a potato salad, either. What's blue and square? An orange in disguise...9Cyberspace is where you are when you're on the telephone. When you're a god, you don't have to have reasons. The more it stays the same,the less it changes. Last time I was stoned, I tried to eat an airport. Nid yw Cymru ar werth!)Too many errors on one line (make fewer). Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic Nothing is so simple that it can't get screwed up. Unable to locate coffee -- Operator halted! Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. On a clear disk you can seek forever. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Back up my hard drive? I can't find the reverse switch! hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?. A mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forgot.. To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa. Don't eat yellow snow! Once I thought I was wrong but I was mistaken. If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself! And God said: E = ´mv¨ - Ze¨/r, and there was light! Difference between a virus & Windows? Viruses never fail.. I am in total control, but don't tell my wife. Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist! AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse The road to success is always under construction. (As I said before, I NEVER repeat myself. He who laughs last is S-L-O-W. Help stamp out, eliminate, and abolish redundancy! Radioactive halibut will make fission chips. Those who can, do. Those who can't, supervise! To err is human. To blame someone else is politics. Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Don't let school interfere with your education. I'm easy to please as long as I get my way. Assumption is the mother of all screwups. To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer! If you can't make it good, make it big. Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do. The Magic of Windows: Turns a 486 back into a PC/XT.-Turn your 486 into an XT -- just add Windows!9"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981:"If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." - B. Gates Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows."Bugs come in through open Windows. DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something... (Double your drive space! Delete Windows! How do you make Windows faster? Throw it harder! Speed Kills - Use Windows! Turn your 486 into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:\ 1What I like about MS is its loyalty to customers! Windows: an Unrecoverable Acquisition Error! Windows: The CP/M of the future! Windws is ine for bckgroun comunicaions Character: what you are in the dark. -!edis gnorw eht morf siht ta gnikool era uoY 640K ought to be enough for anybody. But it worked in beta testing... ...by trial and re-boot .Imagination is more important than knowledge. Not tonight honey. I have a modem. Prepare to destroy the Borg! Ensign, upload Windows! Push to test... Release to detonate... Remember the rule. Shoot if you don't understand it. Speed Kills. Use Microsoft Windows. (A)bort, (R)etry, (Q)UAKE? ...and that is how we know the Earth is banana-shaped. A big enough hammer can usually fix anything. A bug is a feature that didn't make it into the manual. A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering everywhere. A European swallow, or an African swallow...? A problem can be found for almost every solution. A self-addressed envelope would be addressed "envelope". A wise man once said... I don't know. Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation. Adam to Eve: "I'll wear the plants in this family." And now for something completely different! And remember: Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo. And the RESET button lets you re-run AUTOEXEC.BAT Archaeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins. As I said before, I never repeat myself. At nude weddings everybody can see the best man! Atheism is a non-prophet organization! Atheists have no one to talk to at orgasm. Best file compression around: DEL *.* - 100% compressed. Best way to accelerate Windows? Throw it harder...! Black holes were created when God divided by 0. Blind people don't bungee jump. It scares the dog too much. But I DID read the manual... But I thought YOU did the backups... But why spend $2,000.00 just to run Windows? But, boss, this IS part of my job! Buy Stacker? Why not just delete Windows? Caffeine - the ultimate debugging tool. Can I run Stacker on my Visa? Compatible: Blows up a little later than Incompatible. Confuse people... Quote from the WRONG message! Difference between a virus and Windows? Viruses never fail. Do bl Sp ce is a v ry saf me hod of driv compr s ion. Do Quarter Horses have only one leg? Does Microsoft mean small and limp? Don't force it, use a bigger hammer. Don't open the darkroom door. It lets all the dark out. Don't steal. The government hates competition. Don't use commas, which, aren't necessary. ebius tagline. This is a moebius tagline. This is a mo Feet smell? Nose runs? You're built upside down! File not found, I'll load something *I* think is interesting. Hit any user to continue. Hot Tip #5: The light at the end of a tunnel is a train. How many babies can a motherboard have? I can't use Windows. My cat ate my mouse. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition! I dont nead no speling cheker! I em a wuunderfull spelur. I tipe vari gud two. I finally found the ANY key! I put BUGS=OFF in CONFIG.SYS and now Windows won't load! I want it all or nothing. Or maybe some. I'd love to, but I left my body in my other clothes. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect. I'm another road kill on the Information Superhighway. I'm as confused as a baby at a topless bar! I'm flexible... just don't change anything. I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it? I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this? I'm out of my mind just now, but please leave a message. Idiot-proofing assumes a finite number of idiots. If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose? If a woman won't live forever, why give her a diamond? If all else fails, lower your standards. If bulls have horns, why do they MOO instead of honk? If it wasn't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL and OBOL. If it works, rip it apart and find out why! If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"? if u cn rd ths u cn bcm a c prgmr! If you believe THAT, I have a BRIDGE for sale. If you can't make it perfect make it big. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. If your chute doesn't open, your next jump is free! Internet Lie #1: Doom? Never heard of it. Iraqi Bingo: B-52..F-16... A-10... F-18... F-117... B-2... Is it OK to use my AM radio after noon? Is your computer possesed? Use DEVICE=EXOR.SYS It's not a virus... it's just Windows 95. Many men smoke, but fu man chu. Misspelled? Impossible. My modem is error correcting. Mobius strippers never show you their back side. Most political jokes get elected. Never take a beer to a job interview. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity! Nobody ever expects the Spanish Inquisition. Criminal justice Final version IBM compatible Military Intelligence Nuclear safety Private e-mail Rush hour Please tell me if you don't get this message... Polaroids: what polar bears get from sitting on icecaps. Recursive, adj.: see recursive. !shift key/ never heard of it1111 8 Smith & Wesson: The original point-and-click interface. So if she weighs the same as a duck... Somethingswrongwithmyspacebar Th vwls n m kbrd dn't wrk vry wll, d thy?? The four food groups: fast, frozen, instant and microwaved. The bugs will go away when you turn off the computer! The best way to accelerate a PC is at 9.8 m/s^2. The Magic of Windows: Turns a Pentium into an XT. The Original Multitasker: Two PCs and a chair with wheels! There's no future in time travel. Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary. This is an ex-parrot! To a cat, "NO!" means "Not while I'm looking". Truck Pulls: for people who don't understand WWF. True gentleman: Owns an accordion, but doesn't play it. Two most common elements: hydrogen, stupidity. Two things I hate: People that can't count. Two types of people: Those who finish what they start and Vuja De - The feeling you've never been here. Warning! COLDBEER.CAN found, programmer probably loaded. We do precision guesswork. We DON'T care. We don't HAVE to. We're the phone company. Welcome to hell - here's your copy of Windows. What do you suppose gives Stephen King nightmares? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN'T TAKE CRITICISM??????? What part of the word NO do you not understand? When dating a homeless girl you can drop her off anywhere. Where does the fire go when the fire goes out? Where ever you go, there you are. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets anyways? Windows - the 8MB Solitaire game! Windows IS NOT a virus...viruses do something. Windows: A 80486 to 80286 conversion kit. With a calendar your days are numbered! Without time everything would happen at once! Wow... short runway... but just look how WIDE it is!!! WYTYSYDG - What you thought you saw, you didn't get. You're never too old to learn something stupid. To be is to do (Sartre) To do is to be (Casmus) Do be do be do (Sinatra) Why do you drink American beer? - I'm a masochist. Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage. Double your drive space! Delete Windows! Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I! This Virus requires Microsoft Windows... Will Micro$oft go bankrupt in 1901 because of the Year 2000 Problem? According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER Error: No Keyboard - press F1 to continue. Printers generate errors. Errors you've never seen on screen suddenly appear on paper. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? A Supercomputer is a computer that runs an endless loop in two seconds. Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim. Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers are only human. Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer. Hiroshima '45 - Tschernobyl '86 - Windows '95 If a train-station is where a train stops, so what is a workstation? Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? It said "Insert Disk #3", but only two will fit! Maniac: An early computer built by nuts... Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once... My computer is below sea level, but it is not wet... My computer isn't that nervous... it's just a bit ANSI. Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremly large values of 2. On a clear disk you can seek forever. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. The faster your computer, the longer it has to wait for you... Your brain knows a hell of a lot more about networking than you do. Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. From the programmer's point of view the user is just a peripheral that types when you issue a read request. God is REAL... unless explicitly declared INTEGER. Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee. I just found the last bug... If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0. If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. Life is too short for long for-loops! Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE. Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes... The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. This time it will surely run. To define recursion, we must first define recursion. To iterate is human. To recurse, divine. You don't have to be mad to be a programmer.But if you are - it helps. Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity. He who laughs last thinks slowest. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. Don't hate yourself in the morning -sleep till noon. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Life is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't matter. The road to success is always under construction. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. A man with one watch knows what time it is, a man with two watches is never sure... A penny saved is ridiculous. AAAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous All generalizations are false, including this one. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Assassins do it from behind. Beauty is only skin deep, ugliness goes to the bone. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Beware of all enterprises that require fancy clothes! Brain: the apparatus with which we think that we think. CCITT: Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous. Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy. Drive defensivly - buy a tank. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that. If I could explain it, I wouldn't be able to do it. If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem. Imagine a day when schools get all the money they need for computers and the US Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber? It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice. It's not easy being green. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun. Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence... Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... Nowadays we would first land a CNN crew, put up a COLOR camera and ask Mr. Armstrong to come outside and make a jump for mankind... Our task in life is not to succeed, but to continue to fail in good spirits. Please return stewardess to original upright position... The best automobile safety device is a rearview mirror with a cop in it. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. The most beautiful things in the world are those from which all excess weight has been removed. The secret of the universe is @*&°!"§^#+ NO CARRIER The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. The whole is simpler than the sum of its parts - if it is whole. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Vacation means there is twice as much work when coming back. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes! We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse... What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? Why do most people refer to the immigration policy when they talk about "overcrowding" instead of birth control? Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly? Xerox your life! It's nice to have a copy! Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder. Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. (Lady Astor to Winston Churchill) Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. (His reply) When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? Beer is good food. You don't like jail? Naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there. If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. An Apple a day, keeps Windows away. It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank. Life is too short to drink cheap beer. Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore. Beer: Nature's laxative. Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother! When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time. Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer. If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing... Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. A drink a day keeps the shrink away. Put it back in the horse! If you encounter a difficult task, give it to someone lazy. They'll find an easier way to do it! (Sometimes it's logical to be illogical. Don't let your incompetence superceed your intelligence. Air Conditioned Environment - Do not open Windows! Some call it Windows, others the longest batch file of the world. There's too much blood in my caffeine system. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! I tried to live without sex and drugs. It was the hardest hour of my whole life... MOTOROLA: 68000 -life starts 68020 - its getting funny 68030 - Man, I'm pretty cool 68040 - Life's great 68060 -XTC PowerPC - Call me GOD When you switch off the light, where do all the photons go? Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. RTFM: Read the f… manual! You can stay young forever if you live modestly, get lots of sleep, work hard, pray daily, and lie about your age. You can run all your life, but not go anywhere. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. And the realist adjusts the sails. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I've never been able to make out the numbers. Software Engineering is programming in spite of the fact that you can't. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics? In the beginning there was nothing... then even *that* exploded! The USA have: Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash, Stevey Wonder, Bob Hope The Dutch have: Wim Kok, No Cash, No Wonder, No Hope. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left. Birdy birdy in the sky, dropped a poopie in my eye, I didn't weeped, I didn't cry, I just thank God cows can't fly! There is one thing a professor can be absolutely certain of: almost every student entering the university believes, or says he believes, that truth is relative. I am the boss in this house, but I have got my wife's permission to say so!!! Life is what happens when you are busy elsewhere. Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise. The difficult we do immediately, the impossible takes a little longer. God created a few perfect people, the rest is righthanded. Don't let studying get in the way of a good education. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. VMS is a text-only adventure game. If you win you can use UNIX. This is an Uzi. This is an Uzi on full auto. Any questions? A host is a host from coast to coast and no one will talk to a host that's close unless the host (that isn't close) is busy, hung or dead. Anarchy - It's not a law, it's just a good idea. I know how to spell banana, I just don't know when to stop. I think I've got the hang of it now... :w :q :wq :wq! ^d X exit X Q :quitbye CtrlAltDel ~~q :~q logout save/quit :!QUIT ^[zz ^[ZZ ZZZZ ^H ^@ ^L ^[c ^# ^E ^X ^I ^T ? help helpquit ^D ^d ^C ^c helpexit ?Quit ?q ^Kx /QY sync halt A This sentence no verb. This sentence short. This signature done. Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek. I support drug testing. I believe every public official should be given a shot of sodium pentathol and asked "Which laws have you broken this week?". The Force. It surrounds us. It enfolds us. It gets us dates on Saturday Nights. There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. F U cn rd dis U mst uz Unix. The first time I had sex, I was terrified. I was alone... Hi! I'm a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual! Sure you can get aids from a mosquito - if you have unprotected anal sex with one! Reincarnation: life sucks, then you die. Then life sucks again. There are three types of people in the world. Those that are good at math and those that are not. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic When cows laugh really hard, does milk come out their nose? You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. If you resist, you will be punished. Have a nice day. If we knew what the hell we were doing, it wouldn't be research... Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought "Where the hell is the ceiling?". Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT. You feel sleepy. Notice how restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close your eyes. The opinions stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise. People who think MS-DOS and Windows are the slickest thing since sliced butter should be forced to wear a sign stating "This mind intentionally left blank". If you can't find the bug you are looking for, there are 3 possibilities: (1) You're looking for the wrong bug, (2) You're looking in the wrong place, or (3) You're (temporarily) blind. You're not putting that Information Superhighway through my front room! Bananas are my favorite vegetable because they have no bones. If the auto industry were like the computer industry, a car would now cost $50, would get 500 mpg, and at a random time would explode, killing all passengers. When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Dad, not in a screaming panic.... like his passengers. The only reason your brain is bigger than your nostril is to stop it falling out. Hey! It compiles! Ship it! The number of the beast is not 666. The number is 95, and he is awake! Football combines two of the worst aspects of American life: violence and committee meetings. Women's breasts are like Electric Train Sets: They're meant for kids, but usually it's the fathers who wind up playin' with them. Eight out of every five people are math illiterates. A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the "Send" button. Waking up the NSA watchers: SIGINT BALLISTIC TELSAT KGB GRU LIBYA SAM ATTACK GRAIL IRA PLASTIQUE KENNEDY SPACE CENTER LUMINOSO TRAINING BGS GRANATWERFER User: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot". The statement below is true. The statement above is false. P200 + Windows '95 = Maserati with the parking brake on. All I ever wanted was to have what other people have. thump... thump... thump... Is this thing on...? Picard: "Fire at Will!" Riker: "Hey, what did I do this time?" Butthead, Butthead! Come quick! Bare ass on TV! Gentlemen, start your flamethrowers. Hex math would be easier if I had 16 fingers. If Bill Clinton is the answer, then it must be a very stupid question. Then we have to assume it didn't work... Famous Last Words: It's perfectly safe. Let me show you. Freedom of the press is limited to those who have one. Buy a Pentium. It can reboot faster... America Online: a major supplier of free disks to those who do not pay money to them. Need money for beer-research! (Hey, at least I'm honest!) Deny everything. Once, I was alive. Then, I died. My shoe is on fire. Don't let the sand get into your teeth. My dentist hates it. PENTIUM - Produces Enormous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics People have one thing in common: they are all different. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. Reality is the leading cause of stress. Nothing is lost until you begin to look for it. By making things absolutely clear, people will become confused. A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies. Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. We are not a democracy unless we have educated people who can think. Do what you can with what you have where you are. The best way to get ahead is to have one. Wise men think without talking. Fools talk without thinking. A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in by body. Then I realized who was telling me this. God did not create the world in seven days. He screwed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter. Sometimes you just have to do something bad, just to know your alive. I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. Apple is a company, but Macintosh is a community. Customer: "I'm running Windows '95." Tech Support: "Yes." Customer: "My computer isn't working now." Tech Support: "Yes, you said that." DOS Human Interface Guidelines (part I, II and III): A new line will be added to the bottom of the screen. :I've been known to scrub toilets, but I don't do Windows. Mom says Apples are good for me. On the box it was written: Requires Windows 95 or better", so I bought a Macintosh. Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean? Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? Did anyone see my lost carrier? Some years ago we had slow computers and time enough to drink a lot of coffee. Today we have the Internet and once more time enough for coffee. I think, Bill Gates should buy coffee plants... Surfing the Internet finally allows me to read a good book... This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? (I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. Minnesota: One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. Middle age is when It takes longer to rest than to get tired. According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. The most important things in life aren't things. The only time you must not fail is the last time you try. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think. I don't mind going nowhere as long it's an interesting path. Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are. I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom. Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still... I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? Wait, stop the world, I'll step off. Math is like love -a simple idea but it can get complicated. Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on. If you can't convince them, confuse them. If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far. Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety–nine per cent perspiration. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group. There is less competition there. The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. A person of genius should marry a person of character. Genius does not herd with genius. "I think, Pooh," said Christopher Robin, "that we ought to eat all of our provisions, so that we have less to carry." Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but which we didn't. Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level. An author ought to write for the youth of his generation, the critics of the next, and the schoolmasters of ever afterwards. A very high phone bill indicates that your child is spending hours communicating with other computer users via modem - not necessarily an illegal activity. It's the very low phone bills that you should watch for. As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead. A friend of mine was asked to a costume ball a short time ago. He slapped some egg on his face and went as a liberal economist. A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away. Alcohol didn't cause the high crime rates of the '20s and '30s, Prohibition did. And drugs do not cause today's alarming crime rates, but drug prohibition does. A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. Assassination is an extreme form of censorship. Anything awful makes me laugh. I misbehaved once at a funeral. An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought. A good memory does not equal pale ink. ) retupmoc siht edisni deppart ma I !pleH Any given program, once running, is obsolete. Any given program will expand to fill all available resources. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. A man who turns green has eschewed protein. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn. A wise man can see more from a the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence. A king's castle is his home. A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle. A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, follow instructions. Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep. Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really care to know. And so we plow along, as the fly said to the ox. Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it - get a bigger hammer. Apple: Typically, a device used to seduce men - usually equipped with display screens and/or worms. All editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it ways its tail it knocks over a chair. An economist is a person who, when he finds something that works in practice, wonders if it will work in history. All great truths begin as blasphemies. A man doesn't begin to attain wisdom until he recognizes that he is no longer indispensable. An inventor fails 999 times, and if he succeeds once, he's in. He treats his failures simply as practice shots. Ads are the cave art of the twentieth century. Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to market it. A man does not know what he is saying until he knows what he is not saying. Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so. -A career is a job that has gone on too long. A woman is like a teabag - only in hot water do you realize how strong she is. Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well. All the trouble in the world is due to the fact that man cannot sit still in a room. Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in the newspaper. After a certain point money is meaningless. It ceases to be the goal. The game is what counts. A competitive world has two possibilities for you. You can lose. Or, if you want to win, you can change. A good plan implemented today is better than a perfect plan implemented tomorrow. 186,000 miles per second. It's not just a good idea, it's the law. An executive: a man who can make quick decisions and is sometimes right. A diamond with a flaw is better than a common stone that is perfect. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence. Then success is sure. A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. A politician is a statesman who approaches every question with an open mouth. Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them quite so much. A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned. A woman can keep one secret - the secret of her age. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. A desperate disease requires a dangerous remedy. All wars are fought for the sake of getting money. Nothing of any importance can be taught. It can only be learned, and with blood and sweat. Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction. All there is to writing is having ideas. To learn to write is to learn to have ideas. All men are forced into one of two categories: those with eleven fingers and those without. Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him. An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere. The pessimist sees only the red light. But the truly wise person is color blind. A business exists because the consumer is willing to pay you his money. You run a business to satisfy the consumer. That isn't marketing. That goes way beyond marketing. All the inspiration I ever needed was a phone call from a producer. Am I not destroying my enemies when I make them my friends? World War is the second worst activity of mankind, the worst being acquiescence in slavery. Nothing lives long. Only the earth and the mountains. If someone says "can't", that shows you what to do. Death is nature's way of saying "Your table is ready." Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? I'd rather be dead than singing "Satisfaction" when I'm forty-five. On my gravestone, I want it to say, "I told you I was sick." When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes." I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 degrees today", and I said "Oops." Today I dialed a wrong number... The other side said "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... they said, "Uh...I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait..." I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. Zimmerman's Law of Complaints: Nobody notices when things go right. Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more "user-friendly"... Their best approach, so far has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words "user-friendly" on the cover. Ketterling's Law: Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. If Old McDonald had a computer, would it use Eee-aye-eee I/O? To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game. O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws: Murphy was an optimist. Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in. Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't. Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. Westheimer's Time Estimation Rule: Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and add 3 independent of the units of time. Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers. When all else fails, read the instructions. Murphy's 1st Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks. Murphy's 3rd Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time. Murphy's 4th Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Murphy's 5th Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. Murphy's 6th Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Murphy's 7th Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Chisolm's Third Law, Corollary 1: If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand, somebody will. Chisolm's Third Law, Corollary 2: If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it. Crane's Law: There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. Law of Communications: The result of improved and enlarged communications is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. Lord Falkland's Rule: When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision. Jones' Motto: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability. Parkinson's First Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Parkinson's Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income. Shanahan's Law: The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present. Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Laws: When it rains it pours. Jenkinson's Law: It won't work. The DREA Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases. Skip's Lament: Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns. Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. Boren's Law: When in doubt, mumble. Q's Law: No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a project, the cost of the remainder of the project remains constant. I've given up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself. The Programmers' Cheer: Shift to the left, Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, Byte, Byte, Byte! Avery's Observation: It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world, and those who don't. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock. A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock. A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock. Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. Bipolar: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska and Buffalo, New York. Bit: Similar to a nibble. Commonly eight nibbles to a mouthful. See byte. Bubble Memory: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "Vacuum tube". Bug: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls. Byte: A mouthful, as in "How many bytes in a Big Mac?" If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take only twice as long. Character Density: The number of very wierd people in the office. Chip: Any number of small crunchy objects, often served with onion dip. Code: Virus lasting about three to five days, accompanied by sore throat, runny nose, and fever. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing. Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first. Command: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel in control. CPU: A juvenile way of telling your dog he missed the paper. Crittendon's 14th application of Murphy's First Law: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. CRT: A movie about a little alien who forgets his telephone number and must write home. Cursor: An expert in four-letter words. Debug: The act of placing shoe leather against a small creeping creature. Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them. Error: Something only humans can commit. Experiments should be reproducable: they should all fail in the same way. Farnsdick's corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself. Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment. FIFO: Common name for a dog. First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. First Postulate of Isomurphism: Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero. Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place. Gibb's Law: Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another. Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Goldwyn's Law of Contracts: A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Gravity doesn't exist: The earth sucks. Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers. Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 2. If it stinks, it's chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's physics. Hardware: Typically boots, leather, and chains. Contrast with software. Helpless: Owning a sick goldfish. Horngren's Observation (generalized): The real world is a special case. Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work. I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. If you really make them think they'll hate you. If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. Interface: The opposite of "Get out of my face." Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet. Jone's Principle: Needs are a function of what other people have. Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory. Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Lewis' Law: No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. Life is like an onion: You peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it. Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. Lowery's Law: If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Lyall's Conjecture: If a computer cable has one end, then it has another. Lyall's Fundamental Observation: The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing. Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, the facts must be disposed of. Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. Megahertz: A very large car rental agency. Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life Moral: design before you implement. Murphy's Corollary: It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Murphy's Military Laws: The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map. Murphy's Military Laws: The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. Narrow-minded: Possessing the ability to see through a keyhole with both eyes. Online: A statement shouted at tennis judges in response to serves being called out. Peer's Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem. Program: What commercials try to do to us. RAM: A male sheep. ROM: A RAM after a delicate operation. Semi-conductor: A person hired to lead an orchestra before he has graduated from director's school. Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. Show interest in the future: You're going going to spend the rest of your life there. Software: Typically silk nighties, nylons, garter belts. Contrast with hardware. Terminal: What most people have to be before they see a doctor. The Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. The headache: The most popular form of birth control. The Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made. The six steps in a project: 1) Unbounded enthusiasm 2) Total disillusionment 3) Panic 4) Frantic search for the guilty 5) Punishment of the innocent 6) Promotion of the uninvolved. Transistor: A sibling opposite of transbrother. Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout. Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later. Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time. Every style that is not boring is good. It is a great day in our lives when we realize that we are not the general manager of the universe. Quality is never an accident. It is always the result of an intelligent effort. Ordinary people merely think how they shall spend their time. A man of talent tries to use it. Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job. It's a depression when you lose your own. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I am beginning to believe it. It's easy to criticize, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. Inflation is taxation without legislation. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't. Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire. How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterward. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there. Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture. I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. I know God will not give me anyting I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. I can believe anything, provided it is incredible. When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece. Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. My parents have been visiting me for a few days. I just dropped them off at the airport. They leave tomorrow. Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. I learned the way a monkey learns - by watching its parents. Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed. The only thing I can't stand is discomfort. If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it. Try everything once except incest and folk dancing. The sun will set without thy assistance. Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-five now, and we don't know where the hell she is. If your parents didn't have any children, there is a good chance you won't have any. There is more to life than increasing its speed. We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know. I was going to buy a copy of The Power Of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: "What the hell good would that do?" The best way to apply fragrance... is to spray it into the air... and walk into it. Be careful what you show - and what you don't show. Don't be afraid to give up the good to go for the great. Do well and you will have no need for ancestors. To obtain a man's opinion of you, make him mad. If you want to judge a man, take a look at his enemies. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. Every morning is the dawn of a new error. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... There cannot be a crisis today - my schedule is already full. I'd explain it to you... but your brain would explode. Ever stop to think and forget to start again? If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished!!! If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere. Spilling your guts is just exactly as charming as it sounds. "Moof!" said Clarus, the dogcow. If you want to get on in this world, make many promises, but don't keep them. Do as we say, and not as we do. Beat a woman with a hammer and you'll make gold. Live fast, die young, have a beautiful corpse. I don't think a man can ever leave his business. He ought to think of it by day and dream of it by night. I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could. Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far. Read the best books first, or you may not have a chance to read them at all. Before you borrow money from a friend, decide which you need more. Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it. Start planning your second career while you're still on your first one. Do not choose your wife at a dance, but in the field among the harvesters. Never be too critical of anything you have received as a gift. The condition of a horse's teeth is a good guide to its age. If a man needs a horse and is offered one for nothing, he should not examine its teeth too closely before accepting it. The biggest misconception people have about me is that I'm stupid. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. What's another word for Thesaurus? Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air... I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night. You can't have everything... where would you put it? Crime is the ultimate tax on enterprise. It must be reduced or eliminated before poor people can fully share in the American dream. Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge where there is no river. No nation was ever drunk when wine was cheap. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Man is free at the moment he wishes to be. It is a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. Sex is hereditary - If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance. The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up! The probability of someone watching you is directly related to the stupidity of your actions. Physics is experience, arranged in economical order. We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse. You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. Does anyone REALLY read these stupid quotes? Trust me - I know what I'm doing. No opium-smoking in the elevators. Can you imagine the silence if everyone said only what he knows? Truth exists, only falsehood has to be invented. There are no secrets better kept than the secret everybody guesses. You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. He who laughs last probably didn't understand the joke. Sometimes I sit and think, and sometimes I just sit. You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something. If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set. Si six scies scient six saucissions, six cent six scies scieront six cent six saucissions. (If 6 saws saw 6 sausages, 606 saws will saw 606 sausages.) Murphy's 2nd Law: Everything takes longer than you think. Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. Two wrongs do not make a right: It usually takes three or more. Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. How you look depends on where you go. I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. This computer will self-destruct in five minutes. You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you traveled from where you started. The biggest mistake that you can make is to believe that you are working for somebody else. Next to surviving an earthquake, nothing is quite so satisfying as receiving an income tax refund. Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you. When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about. Bedfellows make strange politicians. Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. Creditors have much better memories than debtors. Design flaws travel in groups. Don't get mad, get even. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again. If nobody uses it, there's a reason. If you fail to prepare, prepare to fail. If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. I would rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it. Poetry can communicate before it is understood. Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. Business is a game, the greatest game in the world if you know how to play it. Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been controlling and dominant. There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. The world is full of willing people: some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. Capitalism without capital is just an ism. It is all one to me if a man comes from Sing Sing or Harvard. We hire a man, not a history. I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true. I can only do one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously. If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question? Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much. Consumers are statistics. Customers are people. You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Three things matter in a speech: who says it, how he says it, and what he says, and of the three, the last matters least. Delegating work works, provided the one delegating work works too. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. C:\ONGRTLNS.W95 If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? Microsoft Windows - Who Do You Have To Blow Today? No RISC, no fun! What is the speed of dark? What's another word for synonym? When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo? No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work in the mornings? If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together... Horn broken, watch for finger. Keep honking, I'm reloading. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. "Bother," said Poo, and deleted Windows. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt." "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push! A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money! A book? I allready got one. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A clean, neat, and orderly work place is a sure sign of a sick mind. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A fly without wings... would it be called a walk? A fool and his money are soon partying. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. A man's homeland is wherever he prospers. A mistake is human, but you need a computer to make a mess of it. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for. A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. Act naturally Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. Adult: One old enough to know better. Advanced BASIC Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Airline Food Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. All cats are gray in the dark. All computers wait at the same speed. All excellent thing are as difficult as they are rare. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Almost exactly Alone together Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way. Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence whithout civilization in between. American history Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000. An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain. Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer. Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain. And as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows. Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. Beam me up... arrgh, no carrier! Beaucractic efficiencies Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think. BREAKFAST.COM halted -cereal port not responding British fashion Bug Fix Business ethics But what ... is it good for? Butt Head Bye's First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers. C:\ONGRTLNS.W95 Congratulations Windows 95 Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front? Canada: A few acres of snow. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. CAUTION! I drive like you! Childproof City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong. Clean coal Clearly misunderstood Coka Cola was originally green. Common courtesy Computer security Computers are like Old Testaments gods. Lots of rules and no mercy. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)? Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. Country music Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. Did you hear about the shipment of Viagra that was hijacked? Police are looking for 12 hardened criminals. Diet ice cream Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? Docking tankers involves berth control. Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. English is a funny language. A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance. 3Error 13: Illegal brain function. User Terminated. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have a film. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Experiments should be reproducible, they should all fail in the same way. Exxon cleanup Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. First Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Foolproof instructions Freezer burn Fresh frozen Friendly fire Friends: People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them. G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago." Gambling is a tax on stupidity. Genuine imitation Girls say: "Nice to meet boy in park." Boys say: "Nice to park meat in girl." Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. God gives us relatives; thank God we can chose our friends. God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many. Golf fashion Government organization Government organization GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey") Half full Half naked Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. History doesn't repeat itself. Historians merely repeat each other. Holland world football team has to play in Toulouse (France), so now it's... 'to lose or not to lose' Holy war Horn broken. Watch for finger. How do you want to crash today? I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is us. I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. I didn't have the time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead. I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. I doubt, therefore I might be. I drink to make other people interesting. I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts. I have four brain cells left, and at the moment, they seem to be arguing. I haven't lost my mind, I have it backed up somewhere on tape. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying. I'm not as think as you stoned I am. I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally... I've heard reports that say Viagra has some side effects, like causing blurred vision. Damn, this pill keeps getting better and better... If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that proves you tried. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definately isn't for you... If cookies were made with chocolate I would accept them always. If God wanted us to be naked, we would have been born that way! If it ain't broke, don't fix it. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic. If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again. If you have too many special cases, you are doing it wrong. If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you. If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10. In the future: PC: "Are you sure you want to delete?" User: "Well, I don't know. What do you think?" Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion. Inside every big problem is a small problem trying to get out. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it an UFO? No, it's a 136-speed CD-rom! Is this seat empty? Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titantic and 200 million to make a movie about it! It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. It's only unethical if you get caught. It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite. Jesus saves. Moses invests. Job security Jumbo shrimp Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not really after you. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is. Justice: A decision in your favor. Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you are God. Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it. Live sucks, school sucks, work sucks, women suck. Lets hope at least THEY do a good job at it. Living dead Loose tights Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible. Madness isn't bad, as long as there's method in it. Mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available. Make love not war - marry and do both. Marriage councellor Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 give you the whole house. Microsoft Works Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Murphy's law: keep something for years, finally throw it away, the day after you will need it. My configuration? A head, two arms and hands, two leggs... My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. My software never has bugs; it just develops random features. Near miss Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. New classic New York culture New York culture No brains is total freedom! No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. NOT A VALID CENTURY Not only does God play dice with the universe, but sometimes he throws them where they cannot be seen. Not only is the Universe stranger than we think, it is stranger than we can think. Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts - for support rather than illumination. Old news On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. Once upon a time, I had a good girl. Once upon a girl, I had a good time... Only dead people are cool... Original copy OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates. Paramedics are the ones who jump out of helicopters with parachutes. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Passive aggression Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you. Peace force Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. People are very open-minded about new things as long as they're exactly like the old ones. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70%. Plastic glasses Plastic silverware Political science Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Post Modern Postal service Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. Press [ESC] to detonate, or any other key to explode Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. Professional wrestling Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong. Proper treatment can cure a cold in seven days -but left to itself it'll hang on for a week. Rap music Reagan memoirs Religious Right Religious tolerance Republican Party Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. Resident alien Same difference %SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory... Service station Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. Sex... the pleasure is momentry, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable. Silent scream Small crowd Social security Soft rock Software documentation Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. Someday I hope to write a book where the royalties will pay for the copies I give away. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. I Suggest we beam ensign Crusher into deep-space, captain. OK, make it so. Sweet sorrow pSyntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software. Taped live Temporary tax increase Terribly pleased Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything. The best proof of intelligent life in space is that they have never tried to contact us. The best thing about programming standards is that there are so many to choose from! The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. The man in the room with the best breeding is the one who makes the most people comfortable. The man who does not read books has no advantage over the man that can not read them. The most important question when any new computer architecture is introduced is "So what?" The name is Baud... James Baud. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. The older you get, the better you realize you were. The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability. The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. There are more chickens than people in the world. There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. They say a computer is a "stupid" thing. If so: how about the user of it? This isn't brain surgery. It's just television. Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. Tight slacks Truthful tabloids TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Twelve-ounce pound cake WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition. We come in to this world screaming, naked, and covered in blood. If you live your life right, that sort of fun doesn't have to end there... We need a new cosmology. New Gods. New Sacraments. Another drink. We put the "K" in "Kwality." What does 'erasing of hard drive in progress' mean? When you can read this, you don't need a spectacle! When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. White chocolate (Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining? Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name"? Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS. With Windows 3.11, we were on the edge of the cliff. With Windows 95, we made a big step forward. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. Word Perfect Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money. You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. I am who I am because of what I am. You can't fight in here! This is the War Room!